Nothing gets us more excited than planning a great vacation whether it\u2019s a romantic getaway with our spouse for some alone time, a girls trip, or a family adventure somewhere fun to make memories with the kids. Vacations are awesome! We get to rest, relax, eat some new foods, maybe take in a new experience somewhere, and really escape from life\u2019s responsibilities for a week or so. Vacations can be so perfect for recharging and reflecting and just basking in the joys of life.<\/p>\n
Unless you\u2019re vacationing with the Hudgins family.<\/p>\n
Over the years we\u2019ve developed a bit of a reputation for our unfortunate<\/i> vacations. We plan our trips, and being normal working people we don\u2019t go somewhere every time the school calendar says \u201cclosed.\u201d \u00a0But we do manage to take some sort of vacation once every year or two, and it\u2019s usually been a while since our last one, so we are filled with anticipation. We can\u2019t get in the car fast enough\u2026<\/p>\n
First of all, that\u2019s a joke. We actually can\u2019t get in the car fast, period<\/i>. We are notorious for being so relaxed about this that we\u2019ve had people leave without us, receiving the text, \u201cWe\u2019ll just meet you there.\u201d (not to point any fingers here, but thanks Dad).<\/p>\n
We also make a habit of stopping at every little attraction, restroom, diner for milkshakes, shack for bbq, turtle in the road, bakery for pie, farm stand for peaches and tomatoes, or Walmart\u2014my daughter actually got in the car with no shoes on once, nor did she pack any, so hours later on discovery of this we had to stop and buy shoes. It\u2019s become a mission over the years to see what we can experience ALONG<\/i> the way, and some of our most memorable places were found while making the journey, I\u2019ll admit it. But maybe we are so slow and hesitant to actually get where we\u2019re going because we know what\u2019s waiting for us.<\/p>\n
Let me run down just some of the highlights:<\/p>\n
Coldest weekend on record at Disney World<\/i>.<\/strong> Stayed specifically at the resort with the dragon water slide into the pool. It had icicles on it.<\/p>\n Gulf oil spill of 2010<\/i>.<\/strong> Couldn\u2019t get in the water or go on the beach (the least of anyone\u2019s worries compared to the ecological disaster that was for the Gulf, and still can\u2019t hardly joke about it because it just wasn\u2019t funny).<\/p>\n Swarming Africanized bees<\/i> <\/strong>in Arizona as we hiked up a mountain to see Indian ruins. Take an arm-flapping 3-year-old who is horrified of butterflies, much less bees, \u00a0with you for maximum enjoyment. Nothing makes for a more relaxing outing than the prospect of being stung to death by killer bees.<\/p>\n Monsoon rains and gale force winds at the beach<\/i><\/strong> for days.<\/strong><\/em> So strong that the pelicans flew \u201cin place,\u201d looked into our vacation condo, and mouthed \u201cGo home.\u201d We did. Two days early.<\/p>\n \u201cShark Week\u201d at the beach<\/i><\/strong>. \u00a0It was redfish season so fisherman were chumming the waters. Beaches posted. Swimming was not advised. After listening to three teenagers whine all week I started \u201cwine-ing\u201d too and with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth, saying \u201cI\u2019m sure if you swim at night, the sharks will be sleeping. Go ahead.\u201d\u2013exhale\u2013I really don\u2019t smoke, but that was a particularly bad trip. I sampled every vice.<\/p>\n A sick person on every single trip<\/i><\/strong>. Ear infections, fevers, viruses, rashes, kidney stones, bladder infections, pink eye, vomiting, surf board to the foot. We\u2019ve seen every Urgent Care and emergency room in the entire Southeastern United States, some in the Southwest, and Hawaii as well. The one in Hawaii had chickens in the waiting room\u2013wouldn\u2019t have wanted to miss that charming bit of island culture.<\/p>\n Tornadoes and power outages<\/i><\/strong>\u2013notice how I said tornado-es, and power outage-s. As in plural. Because one just wouldn\u2019t have been enough.<\/p>\n A hidden egg sac inside the car, hatches.<\/strong> S<\/i>uddenly we are accompanied by 300 starving baby praying mantises, each about the size of an eyelash, for the duration of our 1200 mile spring break trip. Kids, especially little girls, love being trapped inside a moving car with 300 free range insects! Think Jurassic<\/em> Park<\/em>\u2013same amount of human screaming, but with much teeny-tinier dinosaurs.<\/p>\n Red tide. Undertow. Rip Current. Dangerous marine life<\/i><\/strong>\u2014we\u2019ve seen all the flags at the beach. Last I heard they had designed a new beach flag, symbolizing \u201cthe Hudgins are here.\u201d It\u2019s kinda like the skull and crossbones pirate flag, only not as cheerful.<\/p>\n Jellyfish breeding season<\/i><\/strong>\u2014 best Scuba diving trip ever, if you\u2019re into really intense pain.<\/p>\n Baby accidentally gets sunburned<\/strong>. <\/i>So she can\u2019t go back outside for the rest of the trip meaning\u2013neither can you. Do not start judging. She was under a tent! But still referred to as \u201cthe trip where you burned the baby?\u201d<\/i> by my husband. Let it go honey\u2026<\/p>\n Beautiful helicopter ride <\/i><\/strong>(so I was told<\/i>) over Hawaii straight to \u201cVomit-ville.\u201d<\/p>\n Every Mardi Gras parade rained on. <\/i><\/strong><\/p>\n Ants in the vacation rental bed<\/i><\/strong>.<\/p>\n Used condom in the vacation rental bed<\/i><\/strong>\u2013I\u2019m still recovering a little bit, emotionally, from this one.<\/p>\n You get my point? So when I tell you I\u2019m a little concerned about my husband and me going to Italy for five weeks this summer I\u2019m sure you can understand my trepidation.<\/p>\n Most people visiting Italy learn phrases like \u201chow are you<\/i>?\u201d and \u201cexcuse me<\/i>\u201d and \u201cthank you.<\/i>\u201d I\u2019ve been working on learning phrases like, \u201cDoes this look swollen to you?<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n Taking our trip intercontinentally with different laws and customs opens up a whole array of new possibilities for misfortune. So I am also working on learning things like \u201cDo I need a lawyer?\u201d <\/i>and \u201cStop yelling at me.<\/i>\u201d Although I\u2019m pretty sure after five weeks of my husband and me traveling together I\u2019ll have plenty of chances to say,\u201dStop yelling at me,<\/i>\u201d in English as well.<\/p>\n Just in case it escalates past the \u201cStop yelling at me<\/i>\u201d stage, I learned all the Italian words for calling someone something really derogatory too. I practiced and practiced those. I don\u2019t want to sound like a tourist. I want to sound genuine, deliberate and like I really mean it when I\u2019m mad and on that beautiful bridge\u2026or in that ambulance, or emergency shelter, or police station. Honestly, if we get through the trip without an assault charge on either of us, I\u2019ll consider the voyage a success.<\/p>\n And then there\u2019s my husband who has some food allergies. So at first, I was stressed about how to convey that in Italian, but did you know that the Italian word for \u201cEpipen\u201d is\u2026 \u201cEpipen?\u201d I figure it\u2019ll just be easier to let him eat whatever he wants and stab him in the thigh after every meal.<\/p>\n We\u2019re going to be like two 4-year-olds who got dropped off in Italy. Can\u2019t talk, can\u2019t read. We\u2019ll probably not even be able to cross the street alone. With our reputation of travel disasters, what could possibly go wrong? Uh\u2026Italy could run out of wine\u00a0<\/i>(insert all my newly learned cuss words here).<\/p>\n I joke about it, because I have to. If I can\u2019t find some humor in all our misadventures I\u2019d never leave the house. And my husband takes some abuse, but he\u2019s actually a very good sport and is great at finding the comedic elements in our catastrophes. He\u2019s got a great sense of direction, and he\u2019s patient and dry-witted\u2013like traveling with a snap-on sandal wearing Indiana Jones, Bob Newhart, and Gandhi all rolled up into one, and I\u2019m more like traveling with \u201cDora The Pissed-Off Explorer.\u201d<\/p>\n For now, \u201cDora T.P.O.E.\u201d here is really dreading the long flight over and her five stages of air travel:<\/p>\n Denial<\/u> \u2014 Me: \u201cI\u2019m gonna get sick<\/i>.\u201d \u00a0Husband:\u00a0\u201cNo, you\u2019re not<\/i>.\u201d (this is my husband\u2019s denial, not mine)<\/p>\n Anger<\/u>\u2014 \u201cWhat\u2019s taking that bar cart so long? Are they waiting for the drinks to just serve themselves?! Did they run OUT of liquor?!\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n Bargaining<\/u>\u2014 \u201cHoney, go flirt with the flight attendant and see if you can get me a drink. I\u2019d go flirt with the guy flight attendant, but I\u2019m pretty sure it wouldn\u2019t work.<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n Depression<\/u>\u2014 \u201cWell. That\u2019s it. I\u2019m never gonna get a drink. They can just crash us into the ocean now.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n And finally\u2026<\/p>\n Acceptance<\/u>\u2014 vodka\u2019s kicked in\u2013 \u201cGosh, honey. I love you,\u201d<\/i> me, talking to the flight attendant.<\/p>\n While those friends who have traveled with us know this is all true, I\u2019m really trying to focus on just being grateful for the opportunity and excited about all the unknown that is coming my way. I won\u2019t have my pillow, I won\u2019t have air-conditioning at points along the way\u2013which is probably where the assault charge is gonna come into play, because \u201chot\u201d Missy is as pleasant as an Africanized bee\u2013 but it\u2019ll all be ok as long as someone shoves a glass of wine in my hand. I heard you even get served wine in the hospitals over there so if that\u2019s true, I say, \u201cKidney stone, make your move.\u201d<\/p>\n I recently read a quote by the famous travel writer, Pico Iyer, that made me laugh:<\/p>\n \u201cTravel is like love, mostly because it\u2019s a heightened state of awareness, in which you are mindful, receptive, undimmed by familiarity and ready to be transformed. That is why the best trips, like the best love affairs, never really end.\u201d <\/i><\/p>\n That quote is so romantic, but Pico Iyer has never traveled seven days with 300 praying mantises and two screaming little girls in the car with him. Oh, I\u2019ll tell you right now. That trip ends.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Nothing gets us more excited than planning a great vacation whether it\u2019s a romantic getaway with our spouse for some alone time, a girls trip, or a family adventure somewhere fun to make memories with the kids. Vacations are awesome! We get to rest, relax, eat some new foods, maybe take in a new experience … <\/p>\n